'Bad Joke' Friday
There once lived a sexy snail in a forest who was very unhappy about her slow method of locomotion.
All the animals in the forest teased her, she was forever left behind others, and was always late.
One day she got lucky: she won the jackpot in the lottery!!!
Well, the first thing she did was to order herself a custom red Ferrari with a special paint job: she insisted that her initial, 'S' for Snail, be painted on the sides and hood.
She was the happiest animal in the world as she climbed in the custom leather seats of her new car, and sped away to show off her new speedy way of life.
And all the animals in the forest (including the slug) said, amazed as they saw the sexy snail in the red Ferrari zoom past them, "Look at that 'S' car go!"
Kojak sent this joke to Kojak's blond daughter:
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
Take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
I LOVE it ---- I always tell this one when we go to a restaurant with snails on the menu!
If they are served out of their shells --- we say they are slugs!
What about the blond that was stopped by the blond cop for speeding?
The cop asks to see the speeders license. The speeder says, "Sure, what does it look like?". The cop says, "What does it LOOK like? It's about the size of a business card with your picture on it, don't you HAVE one?". The speeder says, "I think so, let me look".
After rummaging through her purse a bit, she pulled out a compact mirror & handed it to the cop. The cop takes it, looks at it, & hands it back to the speeder. "Oh, I'm sorry" she says, "if I had known you were a fellow officer, I'd have never pulled you over!"
There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.
Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them, "What's the Purple Wombat?"
"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.
"Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the chldren shouted. "Billy doesn't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
The bus driver turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself.
Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat.
Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, "Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?"
"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm, "Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man. No, no buts -- march!"
So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears.
"Well, Billy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?"
"Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff."
"Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?"
"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is."
"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended."
The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.
"Billy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?"
"Mom," Billy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked. "Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!"
So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened.
"Billy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?"
"Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
"You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!"
Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way -- lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up.
Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy."
Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy."
It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat."
Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy."
The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy."
Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy."
Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy."
It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy."
The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy."
It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't know how to swim, so he drowned.
Moral: Don't stand up in a boat.
Funny and sick. Excellent.
That is the STUPIDEST, DUMBEST, most INANE, RIDICULOUS, RETARDED, ASSININE, MORONIC, TROLLISH, so called "joke" I ever heard/read in my entire LIFE!!! (And I liked it)
Here's a story with 3 morals.
Once there was a very small bird that belonged to a flock heading south for the winter. As they were flying along, the little bird just couldn't keep up. It kept drifting further & further behind. No matter how hard it worked, all it got was exhausted. Finally it could go on no more. Falling out of the sky, it landed in a snow bank. There in the snow, it shivered & shook, until it stopped. Nearly frozen & almost dead, a cow came by, stood above it, & pooped. The poop was so warm, the bird started coming back to life. As it thawed out, it began to sing. Chirping & warbling so loud, it drew the attention of a fox. The fox followed the sound of the bird to the snow bank. Upon seeing the bird in the snow bank, it licked it's lips, pulled the bird out of the poop, & ate it.
Just for fun, I'll post the the 3 morals of the story tomorrow. Think you can figure them out in the meantime?
1. Not everyone who sh1ts on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of sh1t is your friend.
3. When you find yourself in deep sh1t, keep your mouth closed.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
that joke didn't make any sense. Why was he punished for not knowing what a purple wombat was? The ending didn't explain it either.
Anyway, here's my bad joke for this week. I'll have to paraphrase it.
This blonde got a job at the factory where they make those 'tickle me' Elmo dolls.
She had to go to a test area to take a test to see if she could do the job. The boss told her it shouldn't take her more than a few minutes to complete the testing on a few dolls.
After waiting for what seemed like hours, the boss went out back to see what was taking her so long. He saw that she was sewing two marbles onto the Elmo dolls. He said, "NO! I said to give him two TEST tickles."
Shoulda' known that wouldn't take long.
So what about the two drunks walking down the street when they turned into a bar?
Or the communist, muslim, & ailian asked for a drink & the bar tender said, "What'll ya have Mr President?"
(Can the left take a joke?)
Please tell us you were being sarcastic about not getting Bosco's joke?
Bad joke Friday.
Nuff said?
This guy's walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night. There isn't another soul on the street.
Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump...bump. He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him. Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run. He looks behind him again, and the shadow is closer.
Bump...bump...bump. The glow of a streetlight illuminates the shadow momentarily, and, to the man's horror, it is a coffin, bumping down the sidewalk. He quickens his pace, running as fast as he can go, but the coffin only pursues more quickly.
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP! He reaches his house, fumbles frantically for his keys, and slips in the door just as the coffin reaches his front steps. He slams the door and leans against it, catching his breath.
Bump...bump...bump. There is a moment's silence, and the man wonders if he dares to breathe.
Suddenly.... Bump...bump...bump...Bump...BUMP! BUMP! BUMPBUMPBUMPCRAAAAASH!!!! He rebounds away as the door breaks off its hinges. Scrambling to his feet, he charges up the stairs, and the coffin races after.
BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP! Terrified, he backs into a corner and starts throwing everything within reach at the coffin -- a handful of papers, a vase, a box of crackers, a lamp -- but the coffin keeps coming!
BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP INCHESFROMHISFACE, and nothing seems to slow it down! His hands fall upon a bottle of cough syrup, and he throws that at the coffin too!
The coffin stops.
.
What about the blond that got on a flight from LA to NY?
She sat on first class with a coach ticket. When the stewardess told her to move, she said, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm sitting in first class!" frustrated, the stewardess called the steward. "That blond in first class only has a coach ticket." So he told the blond, "Miss, you've GOT to move to coach." She said, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm staying in first class!" Not knowing what else to do, the steward called the captain. The captain came over, whispered in her ear, and she jumped up & went straight back to coach.
The steward & stewardess were amazed and asked the captain, "What did you tell her?" He said, "I told her that first class is only going to Kansas City."
...about the woman who was sure her husband was cheating on her because none of their kids looked like her.
Cheers y Feliz Navidad!
HM
Thanks ReneeDLO!
A blond whose sister was pregnant and she said she didn't know if she would be an aunt or an uncle..
Winner of the Hide and Seek contest!
An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a young panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep crap now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was ane delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the panther, "that was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story... Don't mess with the old dogs. Bull crap and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Q: Why did the cannibal refuse to eat the clown?
A: He tasted funny.
(No offense, Bosco)
Little Johnny is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name. "Yeah teach?" he replies. "If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Johnny answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Johnny, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Johnny, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Johnny replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
So dumb, she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
I did not know this!
When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently ice is really bad for you.
Warn your friends!
I've never been afraid of cannibals just for that reason.
But I can say I'm glad I'm not a TURKEY, Renee. :o)
About the blonde coyote? Got cought in a trap, chewed off three of it's legs, & was still stuck!
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from
his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom
d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
in a BAD way.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his whopper.
If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?
Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Mega-saur-ass
Snail, ahh,............................. I can't decide if that's funny. :-/
A guy and his wife are at the mall, and it's super crowded. As they walk along she realizes he's not by her side.
After a few minutes of looking around, she dials his cell phone.
He answers and she asks where he is, he replies,
Do you remember the Jewelry Store that we stopped at a few weeks ago where we saw that Diamond neckless you loved so much?
As her eyes filled with tears, she says yes...He replied,
I'm at the bar next door.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
this is a 'bad joke' thread. That was a good one.
Just curious... can you communicate, normally?
Do you have ANY IDEAS/OPINIONS of your own?
Your posts always lead to links.
You have never posted a full paragraph, of opinion.
And then you call others 'trolls'.
"Just curious... can you communicate, normally? Do you have ANY IDEAS/OPINIONS of your own?"
-------------------
Jeez, for a moment Kojak thought you were hammering Going35!
Excuse me Kojack, my post was directed to thegardeningsnail.
Sorry Mjon.....it was just a brief bit of confusion.
Afterall, you'd never chastise G35 for being a syncophant.
Just curious... can you communicate, normally?
Do you have ANY IDEAS/OPINIONS of your own?
Your posts are always lame
You have never posted a full paragraph, of substance.
And then you call others 'trolls'.
it's an OPEN FORUM.
Post #34 was pretty good, what happened? Start an antipersonality thread. This is jokes. I thought snail's post was better than your attack.
A rabbi, a priest, and an Imam walk into a bar.
Never mind, I can't remember the rest of the joke.
Madnat, I laughed anyway! LoL
Hit their heads on the wall, or find their way through the door?
Most of the time I come here for "fun": a few moments of distraction in between "heavier" subjects.
Like General Plan Updates, Illegal 42'-Inch Sewer Trunk lines, CEQA, Grand Jury Reports, Staff Report, Warrant Registers, Budgets, Audit Reports, Memorandum of Understandings, and Requests for Proposals, etc.
I spend anywhere between 40 to 60 hours a month (on average) focusing on Politics in the City of Livingston
...Going to the Meetings
...Making my own opinions know at those meetings
...Asking questions about stuff that some folks would rather not be so "public"
...Reporting what is happening at these meetings via Facebook
...Posting Agenda Packets
...Breaking Agenda Packets into individual posts so people don't have to crawl through the whole darn thing so they can read the Staff Reports, Resolutions, and Supporting documentation on items they're interested in.
(So far...I've been working on the January 03, City Council Meeting Agenda packet for well over 4 hours...and I'm not even close to being done.)
You want some of my "opinions"?!?
Than Go Read This
http://thegardeningsnail.wordpress.com/
Although you may have to wade through some of the Factual Information to get to the Opinion and Snark..
Happy Reading! ;-p
You sure didn't have to take the time to answer that___________!!!
It's like Einstein explaining himself to Forrest Gump. (Only Gump was nicer)
Took a grand total of about 3 minutes or so to blast that out..
Plus, it was a perfect opportunity to "toot my own horn" a bit. :-)
And....it was a break from crawling through a Warrant Register. Heh.....
vs Porn Joke Sunday.
That was really bad Renee.